Finding Confidence in Motherhood

20 Aug

When we brought Lila home from the hospital my mom stayed with us for two weeks while we developed a routine and adjusted to all the change. When it was time for her to leave I squalled like a baby. I didn’t think I could do it without her and I wanted her there by my side to talk me through every move. I remember thinking I would never have time to fix myself a meal again or get dressed, I was completely overwhelmed. As a few weeks passed I found my footing and grew more confident. I knew what Lila needed and when she needed it. Those moments when you can give your child what they need are so satisfying. But, then in the next moment you are letting them fall off the couch. FAIL. Just as we thought we had her figured out she started to enter a new phase of mobility that was a whole new ballgame. That’s the tricky thing about this whole parenting gig, right when you get comfortable everything changes.

I feel like we are in the middle of huge change with Lila right now. She is developing such a personality and becoming so independent. It is incredible to watch but terrifying all at the same time. She is so active and on the go that at times I think I have to be the most boring person in the world to her. It is in these times when I have to dig down deep and find the confidence I know I have. I have to allow myself to let loose and have a good time and not feel like every second of the day has to be planned out. It is easy to fear that you won’t be enough for your child or give them everything they need. Then, I look down at the end of the day and I see she is thriving, laughing and playing and I know we are doing the best we can. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it is my best because there are hard days….days when things aren’t easy or come natural. But, I’ve decided that’s ok, that’s just life and things are never going to be smooth sailing all the time.

I guess I have found with being a mother that I worry a lot more than I ever thought I would. Mainly about things that are completely out of my control. Lila and I were with my mom running errands the other day and she whispered to Lila, “Don’t tell your mama but you never stop worrying about your children.” It hit me then, whether your children are 3 or 30 they are still your children and you will always worry about their well-being. I am trying to focus on this moment in front me and making the best decisions for today.

Some days the confidence comes easy other days it takes a little digging.

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